January 17, 2006

Dem Shure Is Smarrt Kidz

I have a Uncle that attended A&M for a while so this one is especially funny...

lagleRock Out!

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Todays Humor

I got this one in an email from my girlfriend:

A 'touchy-feelie' CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

That's a good one, thanks dear.

lagleRock Out!

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September 23, 2005

Distinguishing Between The Different Services Terminology

OK, before any of my Air Force readers get upset remember that I myself am in the AF and this is merely humor...

Navy/USMC............. Army........... Air Force
Head........................ Latrine......... Powder Room
Rack........................ Cot.............. Single w/ruffle & duvet
Chow Hall................. Mess Hall..... Cafe
Utilities..................... BDU's.......... Casual Wear
Seaman................... Private........ Bobby or Jimmy
Chief....................... Sergeant..... Bob or Jim
Captain/Skipper....... Colonel....... Robert or James
Captains Mast.......... Article 15.... Time Out
Billets/Birthing......... Barracks..... Dormitory
Skivvies.................. Underwear.. Lingerie
Thrown in the Brig.... Confinement. Grounded

Now, in all fairness to myself, other NCO's and Airman, and anyone unfamiliar with the military, truth is we fall in line (for the most part) with the Army just like the Marine Corps does with the Navy. The reality is the AF takes the best care of its people out of all the branches, so this is how they tend to see it!

lagleRock Out!

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September 06, 2005

Feeling Unappreciated At Work?!?!?

I got this from one of the guys in my shop.

If you feel unappreciated imagine how this guys family must have felt.

Well as most with any kind of common sense would suspect this is likely a false story, just another eRumor, urban legend or internet rumor. Either way a scary thought but worth a sick laugh.

George Turklebaum, R.I.P. From David Emery, Your Guide to Urban Legends and Folklore. FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!

Worker dead at desk for 5 days
(Originally published 01/31/01)
I would be remiss if I let another week pass without commenting on the strange story of George Turklebaum.

Reports published in the British press and subsequently circulated on the Internet claim that Turklebaum, allegedly a proofreader in a New York publishing firm, sat stone-dead in his office chair for five days last October before his coworkers realized it.

This has aroused Yankee skepticism.

In England the item has appeared in the Birmingham Sunday Mercury, the Daily Mail, the Guardian, the Times of London, on the BBC and no doubt in other venues, but American newspapers have not, by and large, seen fit to propagate it.

As the story goes, 51-year-old George Turklebaum quietly suffered a fatal heart attack one day while working at his desk. Apparently none of his 23 coworkers thought it remarkable to see him slumped motionless in his chair for five days running, because Turklebaum kept mostly to himself and was the first to arrive and the last to leave the office every day.

It's the sort of scenario Somerset Maugham must have had in mind when he said, "Death is a very dull, dreary affair."

But let's be scientific. Medical examiners say that within three days after a person dies, the corpse should exhibit obvious signs of decay: swelling, discoloration, fluid leakage and that distinctive odor of death. It's unlikely those telltale symptoms would have gone unnoticed by Turklebaum's fellow employees on into the fifth day postmortem.

Nevertheless, the Birmingham Sunday Mercury stands by its account. Proudly.

"We reported in December that New Yorker George Turklebaum had died at work — but none of his colleagues noticed for FIVE days," a follow-up article says. "We estimate that international interest in poor George's woeful tale means that more than 100,000 emails have now been sent from office worker to office worker."

"Of course the story is true," the Mercury continues — nevermind that the New York City white pages don't list a single Turklebaum in the region; the item came from a reliable source, a Big Apple radio station.

It's interesting to find the Sunday Mercury bragging as if it scooped the story, given that its first published report was dated December 17 and the Guardian had already run a briefer version two days earlier.

Among the colorful details we find in the Mercury's rendition is this closing tag: "Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died."

Does anyone besides me hear the phrase "too good to be true" ringing in their ears?

In any case, the Mercury does have it right when it boasts that Turklebaum-mania has swept the Internet in recent weeks. True or not, the story resonates with disaffected office workers everywhere. As one email correspondent put it, the tale bespeaks "a universal fear of being ignored (and unappreciated) in the workplace."

Not to mention a universal fascination with the macabre ... and the unlikely.

Update: After the above comments were published, the Birmingham Mercury offered an alternative explanation of where the Turklebaum story originated, claiming it was culled from the pages of the Weekly World News, a supermarket tabloid renowned in the U.S. for its outrageous, credulity-defying "scoops" concerning human females impregnated by space aliens and the like. We have since confirmed that the item did, in fact, appear for the first time anywhere in the December 5, 2000 issue of WWN under the headline "Dead Man Works for a Week!"

Update: Via BBC News: In January 2004, the Finnish tabloid Ilta-Sanomat reported — as factual — that a tax auditor in his late sixties keeled over at his desk in the Helsinki tax office and his dead body went undiscovered by coworkers for two days.

lagleRock Out!

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August 18, 2005

Light A Candle

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty. The Father said, "Top o' the morning' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, Not yet Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye Father." They parted ways and some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well Father." The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes Father, three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all." The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! How is ye loving husband doing?" She replied, "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

This one was sent to me by a friend in Germany. Thanks Scott

lagleRock Out!

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August 03, 2005

Ever Wonder Why Smart Men Join The Air Force...

Ask any Soldier, Sailor or Marine and they will all agree the Air Force has the best looking women.

It's no wonder retired Grunts, Soldiers and Sailors encourage their sons to join the AF instead of the service they served in.

Thanks go out to my good friend Brian for the picture.

lagleRock Out!

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August 02, 2005

213 Things Not To Do In The U.S. Army

I got this one from a friend I was TDY with in Germany, thanks Brandon...

213 things you are *not* allowed do in the Army...

THE 213 THINGS SKIPPY IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO IN THE U.S. ARMY

By SGT Shawn Stanford

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. assembled into a giant battle-robot.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging in the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. ‘The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you'.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no ‘Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'.
69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad'.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor'.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ‘Mom'.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad'.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. ‘Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. ‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. ‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole ****ing village!’ while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get 'that time of month'.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 12:17 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

June 23, 2005

Deep Thoughts

Consider These 3 Deep Thoughts

(1) Zero Gravity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

(2) Our Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and heck, we're not using it anymore.

(3) Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 07:51 AM | Comments (1)

June 21, 2005

DILLIGAF

Any idea what the title means?

Ever had a day like this? A day when the "Give A Fuck-o-Meter" is just bottomed out.

DILLIGAF??? Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck??

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 05:27 PM | Comments (2)

June 20, 2005

Do You Need A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of which loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Discovering the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his penis and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

So do you need a Harley?

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 10:44 AM | Comments (1)

Children Learn What They Live

I got this joke from an Air Force Reserve Combat Arms Instructor...

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them diamonds-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of their first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The girl proudly replied "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again next week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at the Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock"....

Kind of brings a tear to the eye doesn't it?

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 08:05 AM | Comments (2)

June 11, 2005

Re-Enter The Parking Garage (A Second Look At A Fan Favorite)

Things have been very busy lately. Once in a while life happens and sometimes it happens with a vengeance. Try as I might I haven't been able to sit down and write much lately, so I thought I'd re-run a fan favorite. Enjoy! -- SlagleRock

A few nights ago (This actually happened in July '04) two friends and I decided to do the tourist thing. We decided to go downtown, see the river walk and have some genuine Mexican food. So, we did just that. We parked in an underground parking garage near the mall on the river walk and strolled up and down memory lane. We BS'd about the first time we all got to go off base after basic training and how funny that was. The three of us had a great meal and a few beers at one of the tiny Mexican restaurants on the river. As our evening wound down we headed back to the car.

We got in the car and started to back out of the parking spot when all of a sudden a little white car slammed on the brakes directly behind us, preventing us from backing out. Immediately three males (teens to early twenties) jumped out of the car and ran up to the drivers side of my friends car.

As they were approaching, my buddy (we'll call him Bruce for this story, you'll see why in a minute LMAO) jumped out of the car, and I hopped out as well.

Initially the three individuals didn't even acknowledge Bruce. The littlest one of the bunch started calling us everything from "crackers" to "bitches." He immediately addressed my second friend (we'll call him Pappy) who remained in the back seat. Now being cops (at least the two of us who had nuts enough to get out of the car) we did what we are trained to do: we tried to diffuse the situation. In the mean time, I was slowly making my way around these three thugs unnoticed.

The little thug we'll call Stupid (and again you'll see why) leans down and looks at Pappy and says, "What did you say bitch?" Pappy says, "Dude what are you talking about?" Stupid says "You flipped me off and called me a fag when we drove by, Bitch!" Now in reality even if Pappy would have done something like this (which he did not) those thugs never would have been able to see him as Bruce's car windows are tinted jet black.

Bruce steps forward a little and says, "Hey, you guys take off, this dude didn't say anything to you, we were talking to each other in the car so I don't know what you think you saw."

So long story short, Stupid and Pappy continue to yell back and forth for several minutes.

Finally Stupid tells Pappy, "You are getting your ass beat bitch, either you can get out here and take a beat down or I am coming in there! Better yet, how much money you got bitch, maybe we'll just take all you bitches money." Oh and yes, chicken shit Pappy is still in his seat with his seatbelt on.

So Pappy says one last time, "Just go away I didn't say shit to you."

About that time Stupid made his move and started towards the car door. Bruce steps between them and says, "You aren't getting anywhere near my fucking car or my friend"

Now unbeknownst to me as well as these three thugs, old Bruce is a Black Belt in three different martial arts. As Stupid is moving in, Bruce jumps straight up in the air and snap kicks this little thug under the chin so hard his head flips back like a Pez dispenser.

As soon as it all started I made my move. I grabbed the biggest of the three from behind in a standard choke hold. Once I had better control, I turned him around and adjusted my hold so that I was crushing his windpipe. Immediately after I grabbed the big Mongo looking fucker, the third thug started toward me. Mongo started gurgling get back, "Get back! This dude is going to break my neck." So turns out they had a chicken shit in their group too, or at least they do for now. The third punk stepped back towards their car and watched as Bruce proceeded to beat the ever living shit out of his mouthy little friend, Stupid.

I held the big guy in a death grip so he couldn't move. Every time he attempted to free himself I proceeded to tenderize his ribs with several ferocious punches.

While we were standing there my friend Bruce looked like a hurricane of arms and legs, he was spinning and kicking/punching this little thug all over the place. At one point I think he even helped him up so he could spin kick him again.

After what seemed like hours of scuffling, Mongo dropped like a lead weight, and I thought I had killed him. When Mongo dropped, the third guy must have got his second wind. He started at me like a bull. Without hesitation I kicked him in the balls so hard he could have worn his manhood as earrings. As he started to double over, I knuckle punched him in the throat. He hit the ground next to Mongo like a ton of bricks.

After a second or two, thug #3 gets back up and starts running towards the car. To my relief Mongo came to (he just passed out) and ran to the car as well. They drove off and left their mouthy little friend to the wolves.

Now we clearly have the upper hand so I go over and pull Bruce off of Stupid. This little thug looked like Rocky after his fight with Apollo Creed. This kid's face looked like 20 lbs. of ground beef. He was barely conscious. About the time I pull Bruce off a cop rolled up. He immediately cuffed the little thug. We thought it odd that he didn't cuff us, but it turns out that someone had called the cops and told them we were getting car jacked. On his way up to our level he could also see a little of what was going on as he looked diagonally through the garage.

Three hours later, several statements and hospitalization for all three of the "hard asses" we were let go. No bail, no notifications to the base (thank god) and no arrests for the three of us.

It turned out that this had happened several times in the past few weeks to people who were parked in that same area (blind spot to the security cameras). These thugs were deliberately targeting people with out of state plates, starting a fight and then stealing whatever they could.

In the process of giving our statements, the cops asked Pappy where he was during all of this. He said, "I just froze, I don't know why, but I froze."

The cop responded with, "It was a good thing you hang out with Bruce Lee and Hulk Hogan or this could have been very bad for you."

Pappy actually caught a lot of shit from the cops for leaving us hanging, but in hind sight it was funny as hell. Those three thought they were going to get paid. Instead they got hospitalized and arrested. The big guy had a sprained neck and broken ribs. The little guy had a broken nose and lost a couple of teeth, and their friend knows exactly what his testicles taste like.

Moral of the story, you never know what you might get into, and starting a fight with complete strangers can clearly come back to bite you in the ass.

That's one for the good guys.

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 10:55 PM | Comments (2)

May 04, 2005

Hurry Up And Wait (Or Do All With Nothing)

Anyone who has ever served in uniform (and many who work for major corporations) are sure to identify with this:

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 09:20 AM | Comments (0)

April 28, 2005

The Married Mans Harley Davidson

I got this picture from a friend in an email. I have seen it circulate before, but thought it was worth sharing and worth a laugh. For all of you 40-50 somethings in your mid-life crisis who never owned a motorcycle, here is your chance:

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 08:58 AM | Comments (4)

April 23, 2005

The Buffalo Theory

A big thanks to SMSgt Bill for this one. I agree, it sounds like a sound theory:

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 07:20 AM | Comments (3)

April 21, 2005

Onestone

Be not offended for there is no intent to offend anyone, it is merely a joke, take it as a joke:

There once was an Apache Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................

...You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 08:09 AM | Comments (2)

Military Humor

I received this in an email containing "Aircraft Humor". Most of the stories were silly anecdotes about civilian airlines. This one stood out to me as comical. Enjoy:

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven engine approach."

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 07:59 AM | Comments (1)

April 18, 2005

Timbuktu And The Redneck Poet

The Redneck Poet

A National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three women in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 08:27 AM | Comments (1)

April 17, 2005

Dig That Ass....

Todays Humor...

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman.
We can see these people held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left ...
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman'"

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 11:22 PM | Comments (0)

April 15, 2005

Hooked On Lezbonics Worked For Me

Lezbonics

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? ....
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?.... .... A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ....
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
.... Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ....
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called ? .... A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ....
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ....
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? ....
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins? .... Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion? ....
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

lagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 10:47 PM | Comments (0)

April 10, 2005

Nothing Profound Just A Little Humor

15 minutes hell, that would be like an eternity!!!

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 11:25 PM | Comments (2)

April 08, 2005

It's A Midwest Thang... ...Ya'll

Here is another one from Canteloupe:

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of informational guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter - million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. Don't you dare honk at us.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70, 80, & 90 go East& West--Interstate 29 &35 go North & South. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer or fishing season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. You probably don't understand the concept.

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, welcome to the Midwest. Enjoy your visit!!!

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 04:37 AM | Comments (3)

April 07, 2005

45 Reasons To Re-Enlist (Or Not)

45 Reasons to Reenlist

1. Yesterday sucked, today sucked, tomorrow is going to suck, and this seems to be a pretty solid forecast for the rest of my enlistment.

2. Spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year training for something that there is a 99.9% chance that we will never do.

3. WWWDWOA? (What would we do without acronyms?)

4. Taking simple daily tasks and breaking them down into nuclear physics before doing them.

5. Having to attend a brief prior to carrying out any task more complicated than picking my nose.

6. Being a personal servant (that's basically all I am) to any one of the 300 thousand people in the air force who out-rank me.

7. Being an adult and having somebody inspect me everyday to make sure I put my clothes on properly, and put my shoes on the right feet.

8. Having to wear a "cover," or hat, every time I want to go outside.

9. I love cleaning the same places over and over and over until either the paint comes off or my hands are bleeding.

10. Without the air force's influence and good teaching, I would never have realized that you can sweep water with a broom for hours every time it rains.

11. There just isn't that many jobs out there where you can rest assured that everyone you work for is just waiting to screw you over any way they possibly can.

12. If I got out, I would surely miss the idea of waking up every morning for a "meeting".

13. Getting to wear civilian clothes whenever I am on leave.

14. Getting to eat meat labeled "not fit for human consumption" or "for institutional use only".

15. Getting "random" drug tests every couple of weeks. I was "randomly" picked for every test for almost two years straight. Not many people can testify to taking about 50 drug tests in the past two years without having ever been caught doing drugs in my life.

16. Waking up every morning and going to a "staff meeting" where a piece of paper is read to me even though it is posted on the wall and on the offices internet, both of which I have access to. I guess I can't read.

17. Going to medical complaining of severe heart and chest pain and being told to come back during "sick-call" the next day.

18. I love the fact that my opinion has about as much influence as my sister's pet iguana's.

19. Because no matter how much I hate my job, I have to respectfully request to get a different one. Even then it is only if my "chain of command" permits.

20. You do not have to respect the person, you have to respect what they wear on their collar or sleeve.

21. I love the fact that the military wonders why we have so many people around the world that hate our country. I am sure that us being bullies and telling the world what they can and cannot do, then ignoring those rules ourselves has nothing to do with it.

22. I hate good food.

23. I love the “you are U.S. ambassadors" speech.

24. Spending time with my family???

25. Not only getting to do my own job, but getting stuck with as many additional duties as my chain of command wants to give me.

26. Having to change your computer password every two weeks to keep terrorists from hacking into our email or even playing an innocent game of solitaire.

27. When you get out you will only be 38-40. You still have your entire life ahead of you. Yeah, okay, I want my life to start at 38.

28. What? You are going on leave?

29. Oh, look...There's the boss. We better all stand at attention until he tells us we can move. Do they do that in the civilian world too?

30. Is that local time or Zulu?

31. I want to work somewhere that has total control of my paycheck so that they can take half if I mess up.

32. If I get in trouble out in town I would like to get woken up the next day at 6 am and have to stand in front of my boss, manager, assistant manager, and anyone else who has nothing better to do so that they can all chew my butt.

33. Can we be tested to make sure we are physically-fit every year only please make exceptions to this for enormously fat 30+ year old Tech Sgt's and above.

34. Where else can you pay taxes to pay your own paycheck?

35. You take an oath to support and defend the Constitution, and after that the Constitution doesn't even apply to you.

36. Because only during magic shows and air force working hours are the rules of logic suspended.

37. Because no-matter how stupid you are, you will eventually get promoted by accumulating points for not getting promoted.

38. Because where else can you get your teeth drilled and jacked up whether they need it or not?

39. Where else can you get given shots by people who claim to practice medicine that didn't even graduate from high school, and can't even pronounce the name of the drug that they are injecting you with?

40. Because if you've had enough military crap for one lifetime and you want to quit, you can rest assured that the air force will do everything it can to screw you over for the rest of your life.

41. Because it's fun to go to medical to get your eye checked out and have the tech point a light in your eye for ten minutes until you are blind and then to hear them say, "that was cool, let's try the other one."

42. Why did our parents even bother giving us first names?

43. IN what other job can you do things NOT the RIGHT WAY, but the "AIR FORCE WAY"?

44. Sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long until about 4:00pm, even though I finished all of my work by ten in the morning is really fun to do every DAMN DAY...it builds character.

45. Who really wants to have any control over their life anyway?

Thanks go out to a great friend, Canteloupe for this one (didn't want his real name on the web). Stay true to yourself and everything else will just fall into place.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 11:18 PM | Comments (2)

March 17, 2005

Math Is Fun (Or At Least Now It Can Be)

They finally found a way to keep a young man's interest in math.

http://fun.tmc.dyn.ee/org-calc.swf

You'll need your speakers for this one. If you are at work I'd recommend that they aren't too loud!

Enjoy!

I got this one from a friend on the DMZ, watch your mirror, crazy N. Koreans. Stay safe.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 10:34 PM | Comments (2)

March 14, 2005

Seat's Taken

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Airman walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Airman asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Airman walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Airman didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

H/T to Jack for the joke.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 10:55 PM | Comments (1)

March 12, 2005

Damn Dirty Little Monkey

Another joke from a friend in the sand box:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

Thanks brother and keep your head down.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 03:20 AM | Comments (0)

March 03, 2005

Hit By A Pick Pocket

Yup, you guessed it (or the title gave it away) I was hit by a pick pocket last night. Of all the things I want to experience in my life that wasn't on the list.

One of the troops I am replacing showed me the easiest way to get downtown last night. We took a bus from just outside the base gate to a nearby train station. Then we took the train into central Frankfurt.

We walked around for a few hours. It is a beautiful part of the city. It is surrounded by large brick buildings and amazing cathedrals. There is even one cathedral that is being renovated due to the damage caused to it by the Second World War.

Anyway, back to the point of the story. Once it was time to leave we again hopped the train back to the bus station. When the train arrived we hopped on the escalator to take us back up to the surface. Like in many places those who wanted to "ride" the escalator stood to the right as those in a hurry walked up the left. My friend and I were as far right as we could get. About halfway up the escalator I got a shoulder in the middle of my back and the individual pressed against me and around the left side of my body. This person clearly wasn't a smooth as she (yes it turned out to be a woman) thought. I felt her hand slip into my left jacket pocket as the liner of my leather jacket was pulled taught. Once she passed she sped up and off the escalator and out the door.

I immediately had to laugh. I called ahead to my friend to give him the heads up as she passed him.

So, now you are wondering what I had stolen. Not a damn thing. My wallet is on a chain and I keep all of my other belongings in the inside pocket of my jacket. I also keep it buttoned shut. I don't know if it is the countless briefings I attended while working law enforcement or just good old common sense. All I know is I don't intend on losing valuable information and money.

So in a nutshell:

Bus ride to train station - 3 Euro
Train ride down town - 1.25 Euro
Not losing anything to an amateur pick pocket - Priceless

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 10:41 PM | Comments (1)

February 20, 2005

New Homeland Security Warning System

Here is something worth a laugh and yes it's satire:

Homeland Security Warning System

See S/N I am well aware of what humor is.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 06:46 PM | Comments (2)

January 31, 2005

Completely Stumped

Today's tasteless joke brought to you by Maxim Magazine:

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, "Looking for a man that won't beat me, won't run out on me, and is good in bed."

Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.

"I'm here in response to your personal ad," he says. "I don't have arms, so I can't beat you. And I don't have legs so I can't run out on you."

"But I need a good lover too," she replies.

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 11:54 AM | Comments (2)

January 30, 2005

"TOWEL HEADS"

Got this joke from the inlaws:

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not a towel. but actually a small, folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.

Thanks for the funny!

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 04:16 PM | Comments (4)

January 26, 2005

The LARK Program

Recently a man wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a copy of a letter he received back:

The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment..
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will
conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka over time.
Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious
beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our jobs.
You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!

Cordially...Your Buddy,

Don Rumsfeld

(Too funny. That is about par for the left. Of course if this were a real program there would be a ton of libs that miraculously register Republican next time around.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 12:03 PM | Comments (1)

Logic?

Yeah, that about sums it up.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 07:21 AM | Comments (0)

January 25, 2005

LITTLE JOHNNY

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

Posted by SlagleRock at 04:10 PM | Comments (1)

Apparently These Aliens Thought They Found SlagleRock

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station
that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas
pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader."

The gas pump, of course, just stood there. The younger alien
started to get mad at the lack of response.

The older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you".

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting.
Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,
he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come
in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I
will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do
that. You really don't want to make him mad".

"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at
the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared outwards towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him in a burnt, crumpled mess about 200 metres away, in a
cactus patch.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained
consciousness, re-focused his three eyes and straightened his bent
antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over
him, slowly shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one "It damn
near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the
crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge... "There's one thing
I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old
alien, "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him!! "

Posted by SlagleRock at 08:39 AM | Comments (2)

January 16, 2005

License Plate Contest

And this years winner of the "Best License Plate Contest" is....

Thanks for the pic, Andy!

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 07:54 AM | Comments (0)

January 15, 2005

Shipwrecked ED

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!

"You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Colts game from here?"

Thanks for the Joke, Jack. It's a keeper.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 08:06 AM | Comments (3)

January 14, 2005

CIA Conspiracy

Ladies, if you are afraid that you may fall for this, call me immediately for assistance.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 09:49 PM | Comments (5)

January 13, 2005

Police Quotes

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey shit."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . . . . .

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Thanks Andy

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 07:30 AM | Comments (2)

Ever Wonder?

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever
comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there.... I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?

10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

15. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

16. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

17. Stop singing and read on ....

18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks
his head out the window?

21. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

22. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the
first place?

I got this in an email from my friend Bill, hence number 22.

Thanks brother, too funny.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 07:22 AM | Comments (1)

January 09, 2005

Good Plan

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin Itsh
snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

Posted by SlagleRock at 10:40 PM | Comments (1)

Stress Reliever

Ok, before some of my female readers get offended, this next link is all in fun.

I have been called incorrigible lately so I thought I'd stick with the trend.

Here is a silly game sure to piss people off.

Are you a real Pimp?

Have fun and don't be offended.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 10:35 PM | Comments (1)

January 08, 2005

Super Mario Brothers

Everyone remembers the original Nintendo (Hell I had an Atari and before that Pong). The game that started it all... Super Mario Bros. Mario was a huge character and the spin offs from the Mario Brother series is practically endless.

Well thanks to a friend I have a link to the original ending....

Super Mario Brothers

If you ever wondered how it really ended now you'll know.

**Snicker**

Enjoy!

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 09:39 PM | Comments (2)

January 02, 2005

The French

I ran a few of these quotes a while back, but some are new. Either way they are still relevant and funny.

Enjoy:

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and beautiful young woman sitting together in a carriage in a train going through a French Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face where he had been slapped. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed her and she missed him and slapped me instead.' The woman was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."

---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 12:28 PM | Comments (3)

January 01, 2005

Rather, Jennings And A Hero (Joke)

Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, along with a U.S. Marine assigned to
protect them, were hiking through the Iraqi desert one day when they
were captured by terrorists. They were tied up, led to a village,
and brought before the Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the al Qaeda leader in
Iraq.

Zarqawi said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting
the condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do
you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful
of hot spicy chili." Zarqawi nodded to an underling who left and
returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die
content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song
'O Canada' one last time." Zarqawi nodded to a terrorist who had
studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some
rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and
declared he could now die peacefully.

Zarqawi turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked Zarqawi. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted
the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him
in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled out a
9mm pistol hidden in his cammies, and shot Zarqawi dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out
his M4 carbine, and sprayed the remaining terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, they were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Jennings, they asked him, "Why
didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you assholes call me the aggressor?"

H/T to Bill Faith at Small Town Veteran

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 10:11 AM | Comments (3)

December 28, 2004

Saddam, Saddam, Saddam...

Wow, and you thought his sons were freaks, with rape rooms and such all over Iraq. Looks like the apples didn't far from the tree. Damn, what a freak!

I mean, wow. Kinky, old man. Kinky.

H/T to the Region of Doom forum. Damn.

Posted by Mamamontezz at 08:20 PM | Comments (3)

"Well, Just Damn"-Dax Montana

Seems even the squirrels think they're Slaglerock.

Posted by Mamamontezz at 12:08 AM | Comments (2)

December 20, 2004

Want To Save Money This Christmas

For all you Scrooge's out there. If you need to save a little money this Christmas just take the kiddo's to Santa's Grave.

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 04:08 PM | Comments (2)

Christmas Day Golf

Four Air Force NCO's were playing their weekly game of golf at the base course. One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and, without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas
morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they meet at the base golf course.

The Staff Sergeant says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife
such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The Technical Sergeant says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The Master Sergeant says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."

Then the three of them turned to the Chief Master Sergeant who was staring at them like they all have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped
my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great
morning for sex or golf ' ... and she said, "Take a sweater!"

Posted by SlagleRock at 03:50 PM | Comments (3)

December 17, 2004

Are You Dreaming Of A White Trash Christmas?

Need a laugh? Don't be offended, and if you are too bad, I don't care.

It's just for kicks.

I'm Dreaming Of A White Trash Christmas

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 06:17 PM | Comments (1)

December 13, 2004

So Stupid It's Funny

A frog goes into a bank and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. "Hi," he croaks. "What’s your name?"

The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?"

"Yeah," says the frog. "I’d like to borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd but gets out a form. "Okay, what’s your name?"

The frog replies, "Kermit Jagger."

"Really?" says the loan officer. "Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

"Yeah, he’s my dad."

"Hmmm," says the loan officer. "Do you have any collateral?"

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, "Will this do?"

The loan officer says, "Um, I’m not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."

"Oh, tell him I said, ‘Hi’," adds the frog."He knows me."

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, sir, but there’s a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing. I’m not even sure what it is."

The manager says, "It’s a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man’s a Rolling Stone."

Hey, don't hate me I needed a filler post. LOL

SlagleRock Out!

Posted by SlagleRock at 08:10 PM | Comments (2)